An Illustrated Guide to my Pregnancy

As I approach the 6 month mark, I feel that there are a few key points of this pregnancy that are important to touch upon (with picture references, of course):

1. Sweat
One of the lovely things I've discovered in my pregnancy journey is the glory of sweat. I've never really been a sweaty person, and all the sudden girlfriend gets knocked up and it's like the facet got turned on. This is a really attractive new quality, which will definitely be nicely spotlighted come next week when we start back to school in my non-air conditioned classroom. Nothing like pit stains and upper lip sweat to impress a new parent, eh?

2. Heartburn
I've never in all my years experienced heartburn. I love spicy food, enjoy a nice glass of beer every so often (well not anymore...way to ruin EVERYTHING Eggy!!!) and never have struggled with this upper-gastrointestinal tract issue. But now that I'm preggo I've been privledged enough to learn the fire-y, destructive pain that is heartburn. Oh. Mah. Gawd. So unpleasant and icky. I think the worst part is that Tums are now like little 'treats' for me - I dig out the red ones cause they're so damn tasty.



Look - even ET gets heartburn!


3. Hormones
Being that I hadn't ovulated in, oh, let's see, 26 years or so prior to getting pregnant, I'm not really a girl that's very familiar with hormonal issues. I've always been fairly calm and steady, and definitely not a female with a pre-disposition to tears. Ah, but insert that silly little HcG hormone into my system and it turns out I go BAT SHIT CRAZY. All I can say is poor, poor Nicholas. The boy just doesn't know what to do with himself. He can't look at me without causing tears, but then "YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME AND IT'S CAUSE I'M A HIDEOUS FREAK AND YOU HATE ME ISN'T IT?! JUST SAY IT! I KNOW IT'S TRUE! AND I...oh, is that ice cream? Can I has some?"

4. Baby Movement
Now don't get me wrong, feeling your baby move inside you is everything they tell you it will be, what with the miracle, and the bond, and the magic, and the connection to mother earth and whatnot (okay, that last mother earth thing I just pulled out of my heiney.) But, yeah, there's that other part. You know...the creepy part. That part where you see your belly moving while you're lying watching tv, and you sit watching it for hours in a torn mixture of fascination and horror. I do love the comfort of knowing Eggy's in there happy and healthy, but then there's that little part of my brain going, "Whoa. This could totally just be some sort of angry stomach/uterine demon in there. Not good." It's a small part of my brain saying this, but still. I mean, c'mon. Creepy.

The whole 'fetal movement' thing didn't turn out so great for her, now did it?

5. Toots (also known as: Gas, Stinkers, Farts, etc.)
Okay, so most people don't want to tackle this issue. I get it, bodily function, pretty embarrassing, very un-lady-like (because the threat of not being lady-like always stops me from discussing a topic). But alas, it turns out that pregnancy and passing gas are two topics that are simply too intertwined to tease apart. I've always fancied myself discreet when it comes to things like this (discreet meaning of course I blame things on my dog/husband/students/etc.). Yeah, now that I'm pregnant and simply can't help myself I've decided to turn over a new leaf and just own it. Pfffffft. What the? Yeah. That was me. The pregnant lady. Right here people. Carrying a baby and can't hold my farts in public anymore. Bring it.