Lies your mother told you...

So why is it that when I imagined myself pregnant I pictured this:

And now that I'm actually knocked up, I feel more like this:

Okay, okay, so I know I can be occasionally biased by the passing exaggerative tendency, but seriously. Before you get pregnant there is a whole host of lies that those you love feed you. Let's be honest, they're just so damn bent on having a new grandbaby/friend baby/any sort of friggin' baby to drool over that they're desperate and willing to tell you anything to get you off that birth control. Let's examine a few of these pregnancy related fibs:

Lie #1: You will get "the glow" during pregnancy!
Cold Hard Truth: Unless "the glow" refers to "re-emergence of acne like you haven't seen since junior high", then you're full of poo.

Lie #2: Your morning sickness will end after the 1st trimester!
Cold Hard Truth: In the mornings, while I (a full month past the 1st tri mark) continue to sit on the bed deep breathing, hard swallowing, and trying to convince myself that IamnotgonnapukeIamnotgonnapuke, I pass the time by visualizing anyone who told me morning sickness would end at 12 weeks getting stabbed in the eye. Right. In. The. Freakin'. Eye.

Lie #3: Your boobs will grow 1-2 cup sizes!
Cold Hard Truth: Yeah, they promised me that kind of thing when I went through puberty too. Filthy liars then, fialthy liars now.

Lie #4: Your sex drive will increase substantially in your 2nd trimester!
Cold Hard Truth: Do you hear that laughter? Yeah, that's Nicholas laughing in the other room in answer to this little factoid that we were told. Sorry babe.

Lie #5: You will feel sexy and empowered throughout your pregnancy!
Cold Hard Truth: Please refer to second picture above.


Cold Hard Truth of it all: Pregnancy is not what you think it will be, because it's simply not an experience that anyone can express with words. It's sort of like describing how chicken tastes (sorry Eggy, for comparing your earthly human development to chicken, but seriously, it's a good comparison. And I really like chicken.) But, the truth of it is that it's the most amazing, life-changing, relationship strengthening, and love-inducing time I could imagine. And that usually helps console me when I realize that my pants aren't only refusing to button, but are now refusing to zip. Like a full-out pants mutiny people. And that's no lie.