...That I was overdue by 8 days. And that time? Yeah. It's now. So that's pretty sweet I guess. Turns out my creativity and motivation have taken a tanker along with my baby's sense of timeliness, so let's just explore the facts:
- We've had 3 NST (non-stress tests) all of which show a completely healthy, happy baby in there. A little too happy and content, obviously.
- NST's are also showing some semi-regular contractions, just nothing squeezing an Eggmund towards the light. I'm an ineffective contractor and my son continues to reside somewhere near my upper rib cage.
- I continue to be at about 1cm and 50% effaced. (Which, in a total side bar, makes me touch upon my feelings regarding the word "effaced". It sounds like something college kids should say when talking about their weekend. IE - "Man, I was so totally effaced Saturday night! That *%& was crazy!!!" And because I have that in my head, every time the midwife tells me how "effaced" I am I giggle just a little bit inside.)
- We had an ultrasound on Thursday to check fluid levels, which look great (9.5...5 or lower is usually the medical guideline for a reason to induce). Eggmund's head is also down and in the locked and loaded position, which is what we want. The u/s also showed that there's a WHOOOOOOLLLLEEE lotta babee in there. Seriously, the tech had that wand all over my belly, and everywhere she turned it, LOOK MORE BAYBEE! I felt like she could have run that ultrasound over my neck and probably found an arm or something floating around up there.
- I'm tired and a little sore, but all in all not doing too bad considering I'm 41 weeks + 1 day. I went to Body Combat the last two days, and while I wouldn't say I'm trained and ready for a cage fight, I'm still at least able to move my fat arse around.
So the plan as it stands:
If no Eggmund by Monday, we go in and smoke 'em out. Cervical prep will start Monday night in the hospital, and after monitoring that all night they will start induction Tuesday morning.
One way or another, the boy is being removed. He's got to learn you can't ignore an eviction notice. Cause next thing you know the police are banging down the door telling you to vacate the premises. I don't want it to have to get to that point, but Eggy's showing me that extreme actions are going to need to be taken. Eggmund, consider this your final warning.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Top Ten
At this point in pregnancy, I feel qualified to speak on behalf of all pregger woman when I say there are certain things that NO pregnant woman likes to hear. Why, oh why, do people say these things? To help enlighten you (so you aren't inadvertently the jerk wipe who makes one of these unfortunate comments) allow me to list ten of the top SERIOUSLY YOU JUST SAID THAT?!? comments I've received this pregnancy:
1. "Is that a watermelon you're smuggling out of the store? Harhar!"
No, WalMart greeter. This isn't a watermelon. It's my stomach, which is in the process of bearing human life. And as much as my tender, shaky emotional state appreciates you comparing my once rock-hard abs to that of a piece of 4lbs produce, could you keep that one to yourself next time?
2. "Wow, do you know how swollen your ankles are?!"
Gosh no. I couldn't feel them rubbing across the tops of my sneakers or aching with all the retained fluid they're full of. I'm so glad you were here to bring my awareness to my elephantitis cankle issue. Thank god you didn't let me miss it.
3. "Get sleep now, because you're never going to get it again!"
Boy I'd love to get some sleep, but seeing as I have a 7lbs human currently residing in my mid-section, sleep is proving a little hard to come by these days. I like to think of this as "practice" for when Eggmund actually shows up and is awake all night.
4. "You think you're uncomfortable/tired/stressed/etc. now, just wait till that baby comes!"
I always feel like the next comment they make should be along the lines of, 'Whew, you just totally ruined your life when you decided to get knocked up!' The "motherhood is the most amazing experience" comment always seems to be a sort of afterthought once they finish expressing the sheer horrors that you have clearly doomed yourself to by choosing the path of parenthood.
5. "Oh man, when I was in labor _____________" (Insert labor/delivery horror story here)
Funny, when I got married no one suddenly had an insatiable urge to tell me about their terrible divorce story. Why does everyone feel such a need to tell me all about how their hoo-ha ripped in two, how they labored for 84 days before giving birth, how they projectile vomited/pooed all over the table, how they bit through a leather strap waiting for their epidural....
6. "Can I rub your belly?" (As they are already rubbing your belly...)
Now, let me specificy that I've actually been much more relaxed about people rubbing my belly during my pregnancy than I thought I would be. Honestly with some of my friends and my family I like it when they rub the bump - it's fun to share with them. That being said, when random strangers (like the meth head who rubbed my belly while cooing "a bun in the oven!" during the Christmas food drive Nick and I volunteered at last weekend) start rubbing, I start feeling weird. Like, really weird.
7. "You really need to labor naturally/get an epidural immediately/never get a c-section/let your child cry-it-out/etc."
As much as I appreciate your completely unsolicitated advice on my pregnancy, labor, delivery, or child-rearing, I think I'm going to pass. Because the day I start looking for parental guidance from school bus drivers, little old ladies at the grocery store, or the random dishwasher salesman at Lowes who lectured me about how I needed to be birth naturally, it's time for me to reconsider my abilities as a mother.
8. "You know, what you need to do to jump start labor is..."
As I told a poor, sweet, fellow teacher today (who happened to be the 8,483 person to give me a "jump start labor technique"): everyone did something before going into labor. This does not mean this activity is what sent you into labor. It just means it's what you did before your body decided it was time to expell your baby. Just because you happened to eat Neopolitan ice cream, watch Teen Mom, and then go to bed with 3 pillows instead of 4 prior to going into labor does not mean this will send me into labor. (Not to say that I didn't eat Neopolitan ice cream and watch Teen Mom tonight, but that's neither here nor there.)
9. "Just remember, babies are way easier to care for when they are on the inside, so enjoy it now!"
As much as I love being pregnant (not even being sarcastic here!), the whole point of this damn thing was to have a baby. Like, a real, true, on-the-outside baby. I'm sure Eggmund will be slightly more work once he's not confined to my ute. But I think it'll probably be a little more exciting when we can, like, see him and touch him and stuff.
And for my personal favorite....
10. "Haven't you had that baby yet??!?!?!?!"
No. Clearly, the answer to that is no. If I have the baby, and start carrying him around under my shirt to maintain my belly bump, I will forewarn you. Until then, just assume that if I still look 40 weeks pregnant, I probably am. And just for the record, that question is stupid. And it makes pregnant women want to kick you in the mouth. So, just keep that in mind next time you find yourself about to say this (or any variation on this comment/question, such as "You're still here?" or "No baby yet?!" or "Aren't you ever going to have him/her?") Because as a little free scientific lesson for you, pregnant women have NO EFFIN' CONTROL over when their little spawn decides to make his/her big debut. So just do me a favor and never say this to anyone. Ever. For reals.
1. "Is that a watermelon you're smuggling out of the store? Harhar!"
No, WalMart greeter. This isn't a watermelon. It's my stomach, which is in the process of bearing human life. And as much as my tender, shaky emotional state appreciates you comparing my once rock-hard abs to that of a piece of 4lbs produce, could you keep that one to yourself next time?
2. "Wow, do you know how swollen your ankles are?!"
Gosh no. I couldn't feel them rubbing across the tops of my sneakers or aching with all the retained fluid they're full of. I'm so glad you were here to bring my awareness to my elephantitis cankle issue. Thank god you didn't let me miss it.
3. "Get sleep now, because you're never going to get it again!"
Boy I'd love to get some sleep, but seeing as I have a 7lbs human currently residing in my mid-section, sleep is proving a little hard to come by these days. I like to think of this as "practice" for when Eggmund actually shows up and is awake all night.
4. "You think you're uncomfortable/tired/stressed/etc. now, just wait till that baby comes!"
I always feel like the next comment they make should be along the lines of, 'Whew, you just totally ruined your life when you decided to get knocked up!' The "motherhood is the most amazing experience" comment always seems to be a sort of afterthought once they finish expressing the sheer horrors that you have clearly doomed yourself to by choosing the path of parenthood.
5. "Oh man, when I was in labor _____________" (Insert labor/delivery horror story here)
Funny, when I got married no one suddenly had an insatiable urge to tell me about their terrible divorce story. Why does everyone feel such a need to tell me all about how their hoo-ha ripped in two, how they labored for 84 days before giving birth, how they projectile vomited/pooed all over the table, how they bit through a leather strap waiting for their epidural....
6. "Can I rub your belly?" (As they are already rubbing your belly...)
Now, let me specificy that I've actually been much more relaxed about people rubbing my belly during my pregnancy than I thought I would be. Honestly with some of my friends and my family I like it when they rub the bump - it's fun to share with them. That being said, when random strangers (like the meth head who rubbed my belly while cooing "a bun in the oven!" during the Christmas food drive Nick and I volunteered at last weekend) start rubbing, I start feeling weird. Like, really weird.
7. "You really need to labor naturally/get an epidural immediately/never get a c-section/let your child cry-it-out/etc."
As much as I appreciate your completely unsolicitated advice on my pregnancy, labor, delivery, or child-rearing, I think I'm going to pass. Because the day I start looking for parental guidance from school bus drivers, little old ladies at the grocery store, or the random dishwasher salesman at Lowes who lectured me about how I needed to be birth naturally, it's time for me to reconsider my abilities as a mother.
8. "You know, what you need to do to jump start labor is..."
As I told a poor, sweet, fellow teacher today (who happened to be the 8,483 person to give me a "jump start labor technique"): everyone did something before going into labor. This does not mean this activity is what sent you into labor. It just means it's what you did before your body decided it was time to expell your baby. Just because you happened to eat Neopolitan ice cream, watch Teen Mom, and then go to bed with 3 pillows instead of 4 prior to going into labor does not mean this will send me into labor. (Not to say that I didn't eat Neopolitan ice cream and watch Teen Mom tonight, but that's neither here nor there.)
9. "Just remember, babies are way easier to care for when they are on the inside, so enjoy it now!"
As much as I love being pregnant (not even being sarcastic here!), the whole point of this damn thing was to have a baby. Like, a real, true, on-the-outside baby. I'm sure Eggmund will be slightly more work once he's not confined to my ute. But I think it'll probably be a little more exciting when we can, like, see him and touch him and stuff.
And for my personal favorite....
10. "Haven't you had that baby yet??!?!?!?!"
No. Clearly, the answer to that is no. If I have the baby, and start carrying him around under my shirt to maintain my belly bump, I will forewarn you. Until then, just assume that if I still look 40 weeks pregnant, I probably am. And just for the record, that question is stupid. And it makes pregnant women want to kick you in the mouth. So, just keep that in mind next time you find yourself about to say this (or any variation on this comment/question, such as "You're still here?" or "No baby yet?!" or "Aren't you ever going to have him/her?") Because as a little free scientific lesson for you, pregnant women have NO EFFIN' CONTROL over when their little spawn decides to make his/her big debut. So just do me a favor and never say this to anyone. Ever. For reals.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Eviction Notice
My dearest Eggmund,
I know that your due date isn't officially for another three days, but don't you want to make a fashionably early appearance? Everyone wants to meet you, sweet boy, especially your mommy and daddy. It's been a long 40 weeks, and I think the world is finally ready for an Eggy Baby to make his grand debut. So head toward the light, child, and get the hell outta my ute.
So much love,
Mommy
I know that your due date isn't officially for another three days, but don't you want to make a fashionably early appearance? Everyone wants to meet you, sweet boy, especially your mommy and daddy. It's been a long 40 weeks, and I think the world is finally ready for an Eggy Baby to make his grand debut. So head toward the light, child, and get the hell outta my ute.
So much love,
Mommy
Thursday, December 1, 2011
38 Weeks
How far along? 38 weeks. Full term and ready to pop out some good ol' fashioned human life. By my estimation, with Eggmund being full term already, he's really just loafing around in there, like some fetal super senior. I hope this doesn't forebode slacker status for my son...
-How big is baby? 7 pounds and 20 inches long. And I'm feeling eeeeeeveeeeerrrrrry pound and eeeeeeveeeeerrrrrry inch.
-Weight gain? Weight has held steady the last few weeks. I have a feeling my total gain will probably end up being right at the 26lbs mark (barring any unforeseen ice cream binges brought on by late-term pregnancy mania.)
-Maternity clothes? It's worrisome when I start looking at my maternity clothes with the same sort of skeptical "I don't think this ever actually fit" as I did with my pre-pregnancy clothes. Now that Eggmund's head has dropped, everything has a really attractive way of bunching and puckering at the crotch. Because the only thing more attractive than being nearly 10 months pregnant is having bunched crotch pants.
-Stretchies? By god, I think I might have just gotten away free and clear. (I hope I don't live to regret sending that little sentence into the universe. Better go apply some more cocoa butter just in case.)
-Sleep? Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the sleeplessness reached a whole new level. I spent all of Tuesday night awake with back contractions. Couldn't get comfortable, couldn't fall asleep, kept trying to reposition (easier said then done with the 7lbs goiter in my bellah.) It was the longest night ever...I'd look at the clock and then fall asleep, and when I woke back up I was sure it had to be close to morning, and I'd be lucky if 30 minutes had passed. It was like some sort of horrible time warp...Like the kind that used to happen in my high school Spanish class. You'd walk in and time would suddenly start ticking backwards.
-Movement? Movements are actually pretty uncomfortable at this point - feels like he's doing chin-ups using my ribs and stretching his sharp little feets out of my sides. Me thinks I'm having a baby with javelin-like hands and feet. Still getting lots of hiccups (usually in the morning). Now that his head has dropped more it feels like the hiccups are in my crotch, which, needless to say, is a bit disconcerting.
-Food cravings? Food is starting to be a little overrated. Smaller meals definitely settle better with the limited room left in my guts region. (And by "smaller meals" I am of course referring to Neapolitan ice cream.)
-Gender? Hoping it hasn't changed.
-Belly button in or out? I miss my modest belly button. Now my button's all out and about, like some kind of belly button whore.
-What I miss? Energy. Being able to breath. Turning over in bed without having to grab Nick to hoist myself over with.
- Milestones? Real life contractions! Timed 'em and everything. Not to say they went anywhere, but still...they were there. Got checked at the midwife on Wednesday, and we're 1cm and 50% effaced. I just want this little man to arrive. C'mon Eggmund. Mommy and Daddy are waiting.
And some pictures of a very serious belly:
-How big is baby? 7 pounds and 20 inches long. And I'm feeling eeeeeeveeeeerrrrrry pound and eeeeeeveeeeerrrrrry inch.
-Weight gain? Weight has held steady the last few weeks. I have a feeling my total gain will probably end up being right at the 26lbs mark (barring any unforeseen ice cream binges brought on by late-term pregnancy mania.)
-Maternity clothes? It's worrisome when I start looking at my maternity clothes with the same sort of skeptical "I don't think this ever actually fit" as I did with my pre-pregnancy clothes. Now that Eggmund's head has dropped, everything has a really attractive way of bunching and puckering at the crotch. Because the only thing more attractive than being nearly 10 months pregnant is having bunched crotch pants.
-Stretchies? By god, I think I might have just gotten away free and clear. (I hope I don't live to regret sending that little sentence into the universe. Better go apply some more cocoa butter just in case.)
-Sleep? Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the sleeplessness reached a whole new level. I spent all of Tuesday night awake with back contractions. Couldn't get comfortable, couldn't fall asleep, kept trying to reposition (easier said then done with the 7lbs goiter in my bellah.) It was the longest night ever...I'd look at the clock and then fall asleep, and when I woke back up I was sure it had to be close to morning, and I'd be lucky if 30 minutes had passed. It was like some sort of horrible time warp...Like the kind that used to happen in my high school Spanish class. You'd walk in and time would suddenly start ticking backwards.
-Movement? Movements are actually pretty uncomfortable at this point - feels like he's doing chin-ups using my ribs and stretching his sharp little feets out of my sides. Me thinks I'm having a baby with javelin-like hands and feet. Still getting lots of hiccups (usually in the morning). Now that his head has dropped more it feels like the hiccups are in my crotch, which, needless to say, is a bit disconcerting.
-Food cravings? Food is starting to be a little overrated. Smaller meals definitely settle better with the limited room left in my guts region. (And by "smaller meals" I am of course referring to Neapolitan ice cream.)
-Gender? Hoping it hasn't changed.
-Belly button in or out? I miss my modest belly button. Now my button's all out and about, like some kind of belly button whore.
-What I miss? Energy. Being able to breath. Turning over in bed without having to grab Nick to hoist myself over with.
- Milestones? Real life contractions! Timed 'em and everything. Not to say they went anywhere, but still...they were there. Got checked at the midwife on Wednesday, and we're 1cm and 50% effaced. I just want this little man to arrive. C'mon Eggmund. Mommy and Daddy are waiting.
And some pictures of a very serious belly:
 |
| 38 weeks, and feeling sexy. |
 |
| Whoa there big mama. |
 |
| In a moment of pregnancy-induced craziness, I decided to take a picture of my 38 week belly. And in a moment of total pregnancy-induced psychosis, I decided to post said picture onto the internets for all to see. Point and laugh, if you must. |
 |
| And finally a picture of me with a sloth. Because when is a picture with a sloth NOT an appropriate way to end a blog post? Never. That's when. |
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