Top Ten

At this point in pregnancy, I feel qualified to speak on behalf of all pregger woman when I say there are certain things that NO pregnant woman likes to hear. Why, oh why, do people say these things? To help enlighten you (so you aren't inadvertently the jerk wipe who makes one of these unfortunate comments) allow me to list ten of the top SERIOUSLY YOU JUST SAID THAT?!? comments I've received this pregnancy:

1. "Is that a watermelon you're smuggling out of the store? Harhar!"
No, WalMart greeter. This isn't a watermelon. It's my stomach, which is in the process of bearing human life. And as much as my tender, shaky emotional state appreciates you comparing my once rock-hard abs to that of a piece of 4lbs produce, could you keep that one to yourself next time?

2. "Wow, do you know how swollen your ankles are?!"
Gosh no. I couldn't feel them rubbing across the tops of my sneakers or aching with all the retained fluid they're full of. I'm so glad you were here to bring my awareness to my elephantitis cankle issue. Thank god you didn't let me miss it.

3. "Get sleep now, because you're never going to get it again!"
Boy I'd love to get some sleep, but seeing as I have a 7lbs human currently residing in my mid-section, sleep is proving a little hard to come by these days. I like to think of this as "practice" for when Eggmund actually shows up and is awake all night.

4. "You think you're uncomfortable/tired/stressed/etc. now, just wait till that baby comes!"
I always feel like the next comment they make should be along the lines of, 'Whew, you just totally ruined your life when you decided to get knocked up!' The "motherhood is the most amazing experience" comment always seems to be a sort of afterthought once they finish expressing the sheer horrors that you have clearly doomed yourself to by choosing the path of parenthood.

5. "Oh man, when I was in labor _____________" (Insert labor/delivery horror story here)
Funny, when I got married no one suddenly had an insatiable urge to tell me about their terrible divorce story. Why does everyone feel such a need to tell me all about how their hoo-ha ripped in two, how they labored for 84 days before giving birth, how they projectile vomited/pooed all over the table, how they bit through a leather strap waiting for their epidural....

6. "Can I rub your belly?" (As they are already rubbing your belly...)
Now, let me specificy that I've actually been much more relaxed about people rubbing my belly during my pregnancy than I thought I would be. Honestly with some of my friends and my family I like it when they rub the bump - it's fun to share with them. That being said, when random strangers (like the meth head who rubbed my belly while cooing "a bun in the oven!" during the Christmas food drive Nick and I volunteered at last weekend) start rubbing, I start feeling weird. Like, really weird.

7. "You really need to labor naturally/get an epidural immediately/never get a c-section/let your child cry-it-out/etc."
As much as I appreciate your completely unsolicitated advice on my pregnancy, labor, delivery, or child-rearing, I think I'm going to pass. Because the day I start looking for parental guidance from school bus drivers, little old ladies at the grocery store, or the random dishwasher salesman at Lowes who lectured me about how I needed to be birth naturally, it's time for me to reconsider my abilities as a mother.

8. "You know, what you need to do to jump start labor is..."
As I told a poor, sweet, fellow teacher today (who happened to be the 8,483 person to give me a "jump start labor technique"): everyone did something before going into labor. This does not mean this activity is what sent you into labor. It just means it's what you did before your body decided it was time to expell your baby. Just because you happened to eat Neopolitan ice cream, watch Teen Mom, and then go to bed with 3 pillows instead of 4 prior to going into labor does not mean this will send me into labor. (Not to say that I didn't eat Neopolitan ice cream and watch Teen Mom tonight, but that's neither here nor there.)

9. "Just remember, babies are way easier to care for when they are on the inside, so enjoy it now!"
As much as I love being pregnant (not even being sarcastic here!), the whole point of this damn thing was to have a baby. Like, a real, true, on-the-outside baby. I'm sure Eggmund will be slightly more work once he's not confined to my ute. But I think it'll probably be a little more exciting when we can, like, see him and touch him and stuff.

And for my personal favorite....

10. "Haven't you had that baby yet??!?!?!?!"
No. Clearly, the answer to that is no. If I have the baby, and start carrying him around under my shirt to maintain my belly bump, I will forewarn you. Until then, just assume that if I still look 40 weeks pregnant, I probably am. And just for the record, that question is stupid. And it makes pregnant women want to kick you in the mouth. So, just keep that in mind next time you find yourself about to say this (or any variation on this comment/question, such as "You're still here?" or "No baby yet?!" or "Aren't you ever going to have him/her?") Because as a little free scientific lesson for you, pregnant women have NO EFFIN' CONTROL over when their little spawn decides to make his/her big debut. So just do me a favor and never say this to anyone. Ever. For reals.